Saturday, July 19, 2008

Wala akong magawa sa opis kaya compiled ko mga JOKES na pinag Se-Send nila sakin...

Maiba naman tayo ngayon... puro jokes naman ako.. sa sobrang walang magawa sa opis at sobrang petiks ako at nakatunganga lang ako, naghanap ako ng magagawa at naisipan kong ipagsama-sama yung mga jokes na pinagpoporward sa akin ng kapwa ko opismeyt na wala ding magawa ahahaha sarap buhay eh!

oh heto tawa muna tayo.....


Immaculate Conception

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A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks.

"It's worth a try," he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.

After the operation, he says to the priest, "Father, you're not going to believe this."

"What?" asks the priest, "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child!"

"But that's impossible!" says the priest.

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About 15 years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."

8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8

Nude Beach


Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach.

The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mother says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mother says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8

The Diagnosis


A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "You're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," the woman says, "You're checking for breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8

Sperm Bank Robbery


A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we're not a real bank," replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money."

"Don't argue! Just open the safe or I'll blow your head off!" he shouts. She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!" he says.

"But it's full of sperm," the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it," he says. She takes off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one.

Suddenly, the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.

"See, it’s not that difficult is it?" he says.

8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8

The Strip Club


A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8


APO: lola, aatend ako ng tipar.
LOLA: anong tipar?
APO: Tipar is party.
LOLA: Puro salitang kalye! Mga PS kaung lhat!
APO: anu ung PS lola?
LOLA: Paking shet!


LOLO: paki abot naman yang posporo.
LOLA: anjan naman yung shellane eh!
LOLO: so, ipanlilinis ko yung shellane sa tenga ko?


Usapan ng dalawang bata...
Junjun : Magaling ang tatay ko! Alam mo, 'yang Pacific Ocean , siya ang humukay nun!
Pedrito : Wala 'yan sa tatay ko! Alam mo ' yung Dead Sea ?
Junjun : Oo...
Pedrito : Siya ang pumatay nun!



Tatay: bagsak ka na naman! Bat di mo gayahin si Pedro? Palaging may honor!
Anak: unfair naman kung ikukumpara nyo ako kay Pedro!
Tatay: bakit naman?
Anak: matalino kaya tatay nun!
^_^


nakatakas si erap, fvr at gma sa mga terrorista at nagtago sa mga sako sa farm!
Terrorist1: ano nakita mo dyan?
Terrorist2: mga sako lang! Tignan mo ang laman!
sinipa ng terorista ang sako, "meow" sabi ni GMA.
Terrorist2: Pusa!
sinipa ang isa pang sako, "aw aw" sabi ni FVR.
Terrorist: Aso!
sinipa ang isa pang sako ngunit walang tunog kaya sinipa niya ito nang sinipa. Nasasaktan na si erap kaya sabi nito, "PATATAS ako kaya wala kong sound! Mga tanga!"


eyeball ng textmates.
GIRL: magsusuot ako ng yellow.
BOY: I'll wear green.
[nagpunta sila sa coffee shop to meet. Dumating ang panget na babaeng nakayellow. Walang naka-green. Nilapitan ng babae ang isang lalakeng naka-red shirt.]
GIRL: excuse me, are you my textmate?
BOY: hindi ah! Naka-green ba ako?! Hello?!


NURSE: nasa isip mo ba pamilya mo?
BALIW: siyempre man! OO!
[Nurse natuwa..]
NURSE: asan ba pamilya mo?
BALIW: nasa isip ko. Tanga ba you?


Si Mister nakita 3 butil ng bigas at 25pesos sa drawer ni Misis.
MR: ano to?
MRS: uhm honey, magtatapat na ko. Tuwing nagtataksil ako sayo naglalagay ako ng 1 butil ng bigas sa drawer.
MR: eh ano yang 25pesos?
MRS: nung naging 1 kilo ang bigas, binenta ko na. Sayang eh!


ang alamat ng pandekoko.
nung unang panahon, wala pang pandekoko.
monay lang ang meron.
pero may isang panadero na ang pangalan ay koko.
namatay si koko dahil sa alak siya'y naloko.
at sa pinaglibingan sa kanya ay may isang sakong tinapay na natagpuan.
"wow ang sarap ng tinapay na to! at may matamis na palaman sa loob."
sabi ng taumbayan.
"at dahil ang nakalibing diyan ay si koko, tatawagin natin yan na kokojam."
ay alamat pala ito ng kokojam.


pinasok ng isang killer ang kwarto ng magasawa.
KILLER: inaalam ko muna ang pangalan ng biktima ko bago ko sila patayin.
ikaw anong pangalan mo?
MISIS: inday po!
KILLER: inday din pangalan ng asawa ko. sige hindi na kita papatayin.
ikaw anong pangalan mo?
MISTER: my name is gary ...
but my friends call me inday.


boy nahulog sa septic tank,Sumigaw:SUNOG!SUNOG!
dumating mga bumbero naligtas sya,tinanong:
bakit sunog ang sinigaw mo?
boy:kung tae ba pupunta kayo?TAE!TAE!ganun?hehehe


B1: grabe naholdap ako. Muntik na ko mamatay.
B2: di ka nanghingi ng tulong?
B1: nagtext ako sa police station.
B2: anong reply?
B1: ang mga baliw, reply ba naman, "hu u?"



may isang lasing, nalalakad.
may bigla siyang nakasalubong na madre..
binubog niya yung madre..
sabay sabing..
aaaahhh.. wala ka pala BATMAN e!


Guro: ano ang dapat gawin kapag lumindol??
Pepito: buksan po ang ilaw!!!
Guro: Bakit?
Pepito: kasi po sa kubo naming madalas lumindol pag gabi... pero pagnagswitch ako ng ilaw biglang natigil...


ANAK: tay, may manok sa kusina. Tinutuka ang bigas mo.
TATAY: paalisin mo!
ANAK: oi, alis ka daw! ayaw umalis eh
TATAY: takutin mo!
ANAK: awoooooo manooook!! May mumu diyan!



DOCTOR: You only have very short time to live.
PATIENT: How short?
DOCTOR: 10
PATIENT: 10 what? Days? Months? Years?
DOCTOR: 9...8...7...6........



Promoter: Misis, kapag pinaghalo ang Ariel at Tide, bubula kaya?
Misis: Aba , syempre!
Promoter: Mali !
Misis: Bakit naman?
Promoter: Wala pang tubig. Excited ka?!


Pasyente: Magkano ang facelift???
Doktora: Complete treatment ay P145,000
Pasyente: mahal!!! ano bang pinakamurang treatment para magmukha akong bata??
Doktora: eto tsupon, P20 lang!!!


In a kindergaten class, the little girl asked:
girl: mam, mabubuntis po ba yung 40 yrs old???
teacher: oo
girl: yung 20?
teacher: oo
girl: yung 5 yrs old???
teacher: hindi
(little boy whispered)
boy: sabi sayo... wag kang kabahan!!!


Bobo: pare hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula ng letter A
Pare: approachable?
Bobo: mali
Pare: amiable
Bobo: mali pa rin
Pare: o sige, sirit na nga
Bobo: Anest


Policeman arresting a prostitute
Prosti: I am not selling sex
Police: Then what are you doing?
Prosti: I'm a saleswoman selling condoms with free demo.


Bush: What are the pollutants in your country?
Jingoy: We have lots of pollutants.. ..we have sisig, kilawin, chicharon, mani
Erap: Anak, may nakalimutan ka, Boy Bawang (cornik).


Tindero: Hoy, bili ka gatas ng baka. P10 piso lang isang baso
Manong: Ang mahal naman, may tig piso lang ba nyan?
Tindero: Meron po, pero kayo na po ang dumede sa baka.


Pasyente: Dok, bakit po ganito ang operasyon sa ulo ko? Halos kita na utak ko
Doctor: Ok lang yan, yan ang tinatawag na open minded.


A naked girl rode on a taxi
"Bakit" asked the girl at the driver na nakatitig sa katawan nya
"Ngayon ka lang ba nakakita ng hubad?"
Driver: "Hindi po miss, iniisip ko lang kung saan nakatago pamasahe mo"

Beauty contest
Emcee: What's the big problem facing the country today?
Contestant: Drugs
Emcee: Very good, why do you say that?
Contestant: Ang mahal kasi eh!


Amo: Bakit ka umiiyak?
Katulong: Sabi po ni dok tatanggalan po ako ng butlig
Amo: Butlig lang iiyak ka na...
Katulong: Kasi ok lang kung right lig or left lig lang po….. pero bakit naman butligs pa.....


Doc: Ano trabaho mo hija?
Girl: Substitute po
Doc: Hindi kaya prostitute?
Girl: Hindi po, mama ko po ang prostitute at kung may sakit siya ako po yung substitute.. ..


Doc: For your health take only a cup of rice, lean meat and a saucer of kangkong..
Fruits for dessert and lots of juice....
Fat guy: Doc, shall I take them before or after meals?


Kodigo
Nahuling may kodigo ang estudyante.. .
Guro: Ano 'to?
Estudyante: Prayer ko po, ma'am!
Guro: At bakit answers ang nakasulat?
Estudyante: Naku! Sinagot na ang prayers ko!


SIOPAO
Kulas: Miss, i sa ngang siopao... 'yung babae.
Waitress: Babaeng siopao?
Kulas: Oo. 'Yung may papel na sapin. Kumbaga, napkin.
Waitress: Ahh, ganun po ba? Lalaki po ang nandito.
Kulas: Lalaki?
Waitress:Kasi po, may itlog sa loob!

A Chemistry teacher asked a sexy student, "What are NITRATES?
The student replied shyly, "Ma'am, sa motel po.
NITRATES are higher than day rates!"


Usapan ng dalawang mayabang...
Tomas: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga, dala niya ang dyaryo sa akin.
Diego: Alam ko.
Tomas: Ha? Paano mo nalaman?
Diego: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko.


WHO'S GUILTY?
Wife dreaming in the middle of the night suddenly shouts, "Quick, my husband is back!"
Man gets up, jumps out the window and realizes, "Damn! I AM the
husband!"


Josh: Kumusta ang assignment?
Ricardo: Masama. Wala akong nasagutan. Blank paper ang ipinasa ko.
Josh: Naku, ako rin! Paano 'yan? Baka isipin nila, nagkopyahan tayo?!


Toto: Pangarap ko, kumita ng P250,000 monthly gaya ni daddy!
Juvy: Wow! Ganyan kalaki ang kinikita ng daddy mo?
Toto: Hindi! 'Yan din ang pangarap niya!


Dok: May taning na ang buhay mo.
Juan: Wala na bang pag-asa? Ano po ba ang dapat kong gawin?
Dok: Mag-asawa ka na lang ng pangit at bungangera.
Juan: Bakit, gagaling po ba ako ru'n?
Dok: Hindi, pero mas gugustuhin mo pang mamatay kesa mabuhay!

Lito: Pare, ano ba ang kaibahan ng H2O sa CO2?
Joseph: Diyos ko naman! Di mo ba alam 'yun?!
Ang H2O ay water! At ang CO2... cold water.


Gustong malaman ng magkaibigan kung may basketbolan sa langit.
Nagkasundo sila na kung sino ang unang mamatay ay babalik upang
sabihin kung may basketbol sa langit.
Naunang namatay si Dado.
Isang gabi, may narinig na boses si Rodel na parang kay Dado.
"Ikaw ba 'yan, Dado?" usisa ni Rodel.
"Oo naman!" tugon ni Dado.
"Parang hindi totoo!" bulalas ni Rodel."O, ano, meron bang basketbol sa
langit?"
Sagot ni Dado, "May maganda at masama akong
balita sa 'yo. Ang maganda, may basketbol doon. Ang masama...
kasali ka sa makakalaban namin bukas!" (ngek!)


Usapan ng dalawang bata...
Junjun: Magaling ang tatay ko! Alam mo, 'yang Pacific Ocean , siya ang humukay nun!
Pedrito: Wala 'yan sa tatay ko! Alam mo, yung Dead Sea ?
Junjun: Oo...
Pedrito: Siya ang pumatay nun!




Oh heto mga kasabihan na makakatulong sa pang-araw-araw na pamumuhay natin


Ang taong nagigipit...sa bumbay kumakapit.

Pag may usok...may nag-iihaw.

Dont judge the book by its cover... if u are not a judge or else you will cover the book!

Ang taong naglalakad nang matulin... may utang.

No guts, no glory... no ID, no entry!

Birds of the same feather that prays together... stays together.

Kapag may sinuksok at walang madukot, may nandukot.

Ang buhay ay parang bato, it's hard.

Walang matigas na tinapay sa gutom na tao.

Ang taong di marunong lumingon sa kanyang pinanggalingan .... ay may stiff neck.

Birds of the same feather make a good feather duster.

Kapag may tiyaga, may nilaga.

Kapag may taga, may tahi.

Huli man daw at magaling, undertime pa rin.

To err is human, to errs is humans.

Ang naglalakad ng matulin, late na sa appointment.

Matalino man ang matsing, matsing pa rin.

Better late than later...

Aanhin ang palasyo kung ang nakatira ay kuwago, mabuti pa ang bahay kubo, sa paligid puno ng linga.

Ang sakit ng kalingkingan, kailangan ng Alaxan.

Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling wika, lumaki sa ibang bansa.

Kapag maikli ang kumot, tumangkad ka na!

Better late than pregnant.

Behind the clouds are the other clouds.

Aanhin pa ang damo.. kung bato na ang uso!

Its better to cheat than to repeat!

Pag di ukol, di bubukol...siya ay baog!

Kung may isinuksok, may mabubuntis!

Kapag puno na ang salop, kumuha na ng ibang salop.

Magbiro ka na sa lasing, Magbiro ka na sa bagong gising, 'wag lang sa
lasing na bagong gising.

When all else fails, follow instructions.

No man is an island because time is gold.

An apple a day.. is too expensive.

An apple a day, makes seven apples a week.

An apple a day cannot be an orange a day.

Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay ginto.. muta lang yan.

1 comment:

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